There are so many things I do not understand. Many times I struggle not knowing what God is doing. I find myself doubting and then I'm knocked to my knees again realizing that I am doubting this incredible God who knows how many hairs are on my head, what I'm going to be doing in 10 years, and how I'll be serving Him.
God has been speaking a lot of different things to me this week. I have had the desire these last few weeks to understand what fearing Him really looks like. Along with fearing the Lord comes understanding holiness. I've been praying that God will show me more and more of what this looks like. I've been pleading with him that he'll practically show me what this looks like in my life. He has shown me that I need to be drinking from His living water throughout the day because it is pure and healthy. If I am drinking anything else it will hurt me. He has shown me that fear of the Lord means hating sin as He hates it. I know I can't hate sin like He fully does, but I'm praying that He'll be transforming me in this area.
He also showed me that I was not being myself. I have found myself struggling to be a leader here. I know that God has made me a leader, but I have been struggling to see how it works in our team. I didn't want to overstep boundaries and because I was fearful of this I sat back a lot not taking on leadership opportunities. Tony asked to talk to me earlier in the day and we didn't end up talking until the afternoon sometime and this was perfect because God spoke a lot to me around lunch time. I had the time to process with God through some things that way I was able to talk to Tony about what exactly was going on. He "released" me from this fear of over-stepping my boundaries (releasing me has become a joke to him...it can be pretty entertaining).
The next night we ended up going down to the red light district area again to be praying. Most of our LA team did not go down the main street because the Salem DTS, South Africa DTS, and Montana DTS were all down there already. Tony, Shaun, Jessica, and Jacqui went down the street as well. This left Saul, Emma, Jenifer, Carrie, Laura, Will, and myself to be praying for the people down the street in conversations with prostitutues and men that were down there and for the people who were walking down the street covering it in prayer. This place is really spiritually heavy so to have people praying for people as they are walking down the street is healthy, smart, and a blessing. Will, Laura, Carrie, and I were walking together and praying. We had been praying for about 30ish minutes when we walked past this bar that is on the main street we were walking on. When we were walking past this bar this girl yelled at us across the street saying, "oh handsome man, beautiful girl." I said thank you and smiled...and she continued to yell "beautiful girl, I like your hair." The next thing I know I'm half way across the street and the 3 others are following me. It was like the Holy Spirit was carrying me across the street. I literally didn't even think twice about going over to talk to this girl. As we were talking to her another woman came up and started talking to Will. To make this long story short this woman that was talking to Will had just started working at this bar. It was her first night at this place and Will was the first man to talk to her. She basically offered herself to him 10 different times. He had explained to her that he was here to tell people about Jesus. Every single time she offered herself to him he would say I'm not here for that, I'm here to tell people of this love I have for Jesus, etc. When he was talking to her I felt that I should go join their conversation so he wasn't in this conversation by himself (at this time I didn't know that she was saying this stuff to him). After we talked to the girls for a little while we headed out and started praying for them immediately. I was thanking God for the opportunity for Will to talk to this girl. This conversation had to be from God...I was basically running across the street before I even realized it and Will, a Christian man, was the first man this woman talked to on her first night of 'work' at this bar. God wanted this girl to know that she is loved by Him, that there are men out there who love Jesus and love others because of it, and that she has way more worth than what she is beginning to do with her life. Right after this experience I felt hardcore condemnation for leading our group over there. We weren't technically suppose to talk to girls that night..we were the prayer warriors this night. I was being attacked because I was bold in the Spirit. God has given me a Spirit of boldness, not of timidity....I know and knew this but I could not get condemnation out of my head. I felt guilty that 'I let Will go through this.' I felt responisble because I jumped across the street to talk to this girl and Will ended up going through some hard stuff with this girl. I was hearing all these lies from Satan. I knew they were lies and I was trying to fight them off, but I was struggling. After this we met up with everyone, headed back to Wongen kafe, and debreifed/prayed. Will told the entire story and I explained how I felt. We prayed for the entire night and Tony prayed a prayer over me asking for God to send me His peace about the situation and asking God to cover me from the lies that Satan was feeding me. At this time condemnation completely left. Thank you Jesus.
It's completely unreal how Satan attacks. The stinking day before I was talking to Tony about what I had been struggling with. Tony 'releases' me from this struggle, and then the next day after I follow God's lead in boldness Satan attacks me with condemnation. How unreal he is. Thank you God that you are infinite and that Satan is finite. Thank you Jesus that you conquered death and that one day Satan will be thrown into hell for eternity. Such a freeing life I live because of Jesus.
Jessica and Shaun Hover (our DTS school leaders) are here for our pastoral visits and it's been a blessing having them here with us. We taught our last class at The Centre on Friday and it was super sad saying goodbye to Ton and Mama. It's been amazing serving them and loving on them. I'm trusting that Jesus has them in His hands. We leave for the Sila home, an orphanage, tomorrow. We'll be there for 2.5 weeks, and then we have debrief for a few days after that. This is flying by.
There are so many things I want to do and want to say...I'm reminded how short this life is. Let's live for every moment we are given. Thank you Lord for this abundant life you have so freely given me.
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