Our God is infinite.

There are so many things I do not understand. Many times I struggle not knowing what God is doing. I find myself doubting and then I'm knocked to my knees again realizing that I am doubting this incredible God who knows how many hairs are on my head, what I'm going to be doing in 10 years, and how I'll be serving Him.

God has been speaking a lot of different things to me this week. I have had the desire these last few weeks to understand what fearing Him really looks like. Along with fearing the Lord comes understanding holiness. I've been praying that God will show me more and more of what this looks like. I've been pleading with him that he'll practically show me what this looks like in my life. He has shown me that I need to be drinking from His living water throughout the day because it is pure and healthy. If I am drinking anything else it will hurt me. He has shown me that fear of the Lord means hating sin as He hates it. I know I can't hate sin like He fully does, but I'm praying that He'll be transforming me in this area.

He also showed me that I was not being myself. I have found myself struggling to be a leader here. I know that God has made me a leader, but I have been struggling to see how it works in our team. I didn't want to overstep boundaries and because I was fearful of this I sat back a lot not taking on leadership opportunities. Tony asked to talk to me earlier in the day and we didn't end up talking until the afternoon sometime and this was perfect because God spoke a lot to me around lunch time. I had the time to process with God through some things that way I was able to talk to Tony about what exactly was going on. He "released" me from this fear of over-stepping my boundaries (releasing me has become a joke to him...it can be pretty entertaining). 

The next night we ended up going down to the red light district area again to be praying. Most of our LA team did not go down the main street because the Salem DTS, South Africa DTS, and Montana DTS were all down there already. Tony, Shaun, Jessica, and Jacqui went down the street as well. This left Saul, Emma, Jenifer, Carrie, Laura, Will, and myself to be praying for the people down the street in conversations with prostitutues and men that were down there and for the people who were walking down the street covering it in prayer. This place is really spiritually heavy so to have people praying for people as they are walking down the street is healthy, smart, and a blessing. Will, Laura, Carrie, and I were walking together and praying. We had been praying for about 30ish minutes when we walked past this bar that is on the main street we were walking on. When we were walking past this bar this girl yelled at us across the street saying, "oh handsome man, beautiful girl." I said thank you and smiled...and she continued to yell "beautiful girl, I like your hair." The next thing I know I'm half way across the street and the 3 others are following me. It was like the Holy Spirit was carrying me across the street. I literally didn't even think twice about going over to talk to this girl. As we were talking to her another woman came up and started talking to Will. To make this long story short this woman that was talking to Will had just started working at this bar. It was her first night at this place and Will was the first man to talk to her. She basically offered herself to him 10 different times. He had explained to her that he was here to tell people about Jesus. Every single time she offered herself to him he would say I'm not here for that, I'm here to tell people of this love I have for Jesus, etc. When he was talking to her I felt that I should go join their conversation so he wasn't in this conversation by himself (at this time I didn't know that she was saying this stuff to him). After we talked to the girls for a little while we headed out and started praying for them immediately. I was thanking God for the opportunity for Will to talk to this girl. This conversation had to be from God...I was basically running across the street before I even realized it and Will, a Christian man, was the first man this woman talked to on her first night of 'work' at this bar. God wanted this girl to know that she is loved by Him, that there are men out there who love Jesus and love others because of it, and that she has way more worth than what she is beginning to do with her life. Right after this experience I felt hardcore condemnation for leading our group over there. We weren't technically suppose to talk to girls that night..we were the prayer warriors this night. I was being attacked because I was bold in the Spirit. God has given me a Spirit of boldness, not of timidity....I know and knew this but I could not get condemnation out of my head. I felt guilty that 'I let Will go through this.' I felt responisble because I jumped across the street to talk to this girl and Will ended up going through some hard stuff with this girl. I was hearing all these lies from Satan. I knew they were lies and I was trying to fight them off, but I was struggling. After this we met up with everyone, headed back to Wongen kafe, and debreifed/prayed. Will told the entire story and I explained how I felt. We prayed for the entire night and Tony prayed a prayer over me asking for God to send me His peace about the situation and asking God to cover me from the lies that Satan was feeding me. At this time condemnation completely left. Thank you Jesus.

It's completely unreal how Satan attacks. The stinking day before I was talking to Tony about what I had been struggling with. Tony 'releases' me from this struggle, and then the next day after I follow God's lead in boldness Satan attacks me with condemnation. How unreal he is. Thank you God that you are infinite and that Satan is finite. Thank you Jesus that you conquered death and that one day Satan will be thrown into hell for eternity. Such a freeing life I live because of Jesus.

Jessica and Shaun Hover (our DTS school leaders) are here for our pastoral visits and it's been a blessing having them here with us. We taught our last class at The Centre on Friday and it was super sad saying goodbye to Ton and Mama. It's been amazing serving them and loving on them. I'm trusting that Jesus has them in His hands. We leave for the Sila home, an orphanage, tomorrow. We'll be there for 2.5 weeks, and then we have debrief for a few days after that. This is flying by.

There are so many things I want to do and want to say...I'm reminded how short this life is. Let's live for every moment we are given. Thank you Lord for this abundant life you have so freely given me.

God of truth

The rest of this week has been hardcore in my opinion. What do I mean by that? I mean that I feel like I am all over the place. I feel overflowing in joy one minute and then the next I feel extremely sad. It's crazy the spiritual climate here. The darkness over this place is overwhelming at times, but then God blows me away showing me the authority that He has and I have because He is in me.

Our God is truth. Our God is real. He is loving. He wants a relationship. What does this mean? It means more than just you or me talking...it means letting Him speak to us as well. Our God is real and I've known that, but I see it more and more by looking at these Thai people's faces. I see that they don't have this truth. I see that they are lost and deceived. You can see this in their faces.

Wednesday during the day we met up with Emmie (wongen kafe ywamer) to talk about everything that we've been thinking/feeling/praying about the whole Red Light District nights. During this time my heart was breaking for these girls who don't know the REAL God. The God of truth. For me, one of my biggest things is being real. I can't stand pretending to be okay. I have an extremely hard time when people aren't real with me either. Most of you know I'm a very straight-forward kind of person so for me when we're not being real with where we're at it drives me insane. It drives me nuts for a good reason though. I can't stand when people are like 'God and I are doing great' when really they are mad at God. We have a gracious, caring, loving, and real God He wants us to be REAL WITH HIM. He wants us to tell Him how we're feeling. He knows what we're thinking and feeling anyway. Why not be real and tell Him where we're at? He is a God who meets us in those places. He doesn't want to come into a place He isn't invited. God wants us to invite Him into our lives. He's a God who pursues us, but desires to be pursued as well.

When I was thinking about this entire facade the prostitutes put on...it broke me. When they don't think anyone is watching them you can see the hopelessness in their eyes. But, when they see people they have this 'face' they put on. They put this entire face on because they must 'keep face' because that's what Buddhist's do. They don't show that they're unhappy, etc. When really I know these girls are destroyed. These women are hurting. They are in pain...but they sit there pretending to be okay. The sit there flirting with the nasty older men. They put on this entire act. What if they knew my God, our God, was a real God? What if they knew that He wanted them to be real? What if they knew that God desired to be real with them? What if these girls knew that God wanted to set them free from this fake world they live in? What if the knew what freedom looked like?!?! What would that street look like if all of these girls knew that? What if they knew that God wanted to heal them, love them, care for them, be with them, provide for them??!? What if they knew this?!?! God blows me away with his fullness and wholeness. At the same time God's heart breaks for these girls, but at the same time He is a just God. What an amazing God we serve.

Wednesday night 7 of us went back to the Red Light District in Chiang Mai. Tony, Jacqui, and I didn't go into the main part. We stayed outside the street and walked around while praying the entire time for Megan, Saul, Jenifer, and Will. They were down the main street of bars (prostitution) praying. Emmie told us that it would be best to have people interceding while people were walking down the district. Every time I pray for this God fires me up. He has an amazing way of breaking my heart for these girls, yet giving me the confidence and authority I need, in Him.

I absolutely love partnering with God in this. He gives me the authority because of Jesus Christ. This I definitely don't deserve and will never understand why He loves me this much...but He does...so I'm going to work with it. I feel humbled all the time that I can make a difference. Why in the world does he want to use me??? Who knows!! But he does! Such an amazing blessing. God is ripping down walls there. He IS working. There are things being moved in the spiritual world, but the physical world as well. God is good.

We've done other things as well this week. Monday and Tuesday night we went out to the night market right down the street and set up a free nail painting booth. It was a lot of fun serving the girls and getting to talk to random people. We had a girls night here at wongen kafe Thursday night.  A ton of people came out. We did facials, hair, nails, and I of course made them bracelets. It's been amazing showing Thai people how we love through our actions.  Yesterday we had worship with the Salem, Oregon DTS team that's working at The Centre as well. We only have one more week here in Chiang Mai. Next Saturday we're off to an orphanage for 2-3 weeks. The other Thailand team from LA will be arriving here Monday. It'll be amazing seeing my Swiss Germans.

Keep me in your prayers please. I need it!

God of restoration and grace

Tonight we went to the red light district

You disgust me
at first
because I see you as old
and wrinkly
paying for a night of pleasure
with a young and poor
girl in the red light district

Then it hit me:
your wife may have left you
may have been unfaithful
you may never have had a father
to tell you a woman´s worth
you may have been shamed
by all of your friends
and in your own mind
it´s payback time
cuz you were never told
It´s all been paid for already

I see you
And I am still disgusted
but no longer disgusted by you.
I am disgusted by the father of lies
who twisted everything around
so that you think pleasure is
found in a young girl
who was forced into prostitution
I am disgusted
in the father of lies
who had you think
you can be healed
by feeling the touch of someone
younger and prettier
than the wife who betrayed you

Could it be...that we all need healing
and that we all need
someone heaven-sent tonight?

-Synnove Kapelrud


This poem is by Synnove (my outreach leader and small group leader from lecture phase of DTS). This reflects her heart after we went to the red light district in Chiang Mai, found around Tha Phae gate, on Monday night. 

I went to Tha Phate gate the night before with a little more than half of the team. This experience was nothing I had ever faced before. I knew that prostitution went on in Thailand right out in the open. I knew that God had even given me heart for it, but I wasn't aware of how it would affect me when I saw it. Sunday night was so difficult. I had every emotion, thought, and idea racing through my mind. At the very beginning of the night God reminded me that the men are broken too. As much as I want to seek out justice for these broken women, the men are broken too. I am not excusing this one bit and it's even hard for me to admit it...but they are broken in a different way. Jenifer and I walked together with Saul and Will close to us, but I kept talking with her expressing my thoughts and feelings. I kept expressing all these thoughts to God as well. It was sooo difficult.

Monday morning we had an amazing family time with the team. We expressed how things were going for us on outreach. We thought that God could be doing more with us. We had intercession, asking God what we should do for the day because we had nothing planned. During this time God broke me. I was hurting for these girls so badly. I was crying out for them. It broke my heart thinking that I didn't do anything to get me where I am. I didn't pick the family or country I was born into. God has blessed me so much it's unreal. God gave me amazing parents who fought for me and will still fight for me to this day...my question is who in the world is fighting for these girls? I'm not saying that everyone needs to be called to minister to these daughters of God, but I am saying let's get off our butts! Let's do something to change this world. It is not unrealistic to think we can't. If we believe this...we are believing a lie from the enemy. We are here as Christians to fight for people's souls who are not going to heaven. I am not going to sit back and let this happen. After intercession we felt like God wanted us to go back to Tha Phae gate with everyone from our team. I was ready to rip walls down through intercessory prayer with God. I was pumped to fight the enemy in 'his' territory. I am soooo done with the enemy thinking he has control of Thailand, these girls, these white middle aged men coming to visit these women...I am done. Our entire team went back and we actually walked through the red light district of this area. It literally makes me sick to see this stuff. Satan is happy with what's going on here and THAT IS NOT OKAY. Whether this means that I may be called to some kind of ministry like this... I don't know. All I know is that God has instilled this passion in me and if it's solemnly for the point of praying for these girls and men then I'm okay with that. But, please join in God in something. We are not called to sit on our butts and pray only for ourselves to be healthy and comfortable. Jesus wasn't comfortable throughout His life...I don't want to be comfortable you shouldn't want to be comfortable...we aren't called to be comfortable!!!


Jesus let's do work!

jokes on me...

Check out the update video Will made!

Friday my team left Chiang Mai after lunch for a 'village.' We took a three hour bus ride to Chiang Rai where we thought we'd spend Christmas serving in a village. As soon as we arrived there we were told to leave our bags in the truck and head into the church. We took our shoes off outside the church building and then walked into the church. I was walking in the middle of the group when we turned the corner to see the other Thailand team. The first person I saw was Raphael and I flipped out after that!!! I ran over to that boy and gave him a huge hug...then went searching for my roomie, Mirjam. It was such an amazing surprise. Our leaders are such good liars...it's kind of scary! We spent Friday night Christmas caroling. When I say Friday night I mean Friday night...we were out for 5 hours singing to random houses. The most exciting part was singing for the governor/mayor or whatever he was at the very beginning of the night at a beautiful flower garden thingy. I don't even know how to describe how beautiful it was. After the caroling we headed back to the place we were staying.

Christmas morning I woke up to Synnove telling us that we had 2 minutes to be over to the church. I threw on a sweatshirt and headed over there with my secret santa gift for Jenifer (which included a bunch of pink stuff). As soon as I sat down they started telling us that they had contacted our parents and asked them to send us a Christmas gift. They had the gifts sent to Conrad's house before we left for Thailand so we wouldn't accidentally receive the packages before we left for outreach. We had been carrying the gifts the entire time....we just had no clue that we were! Christmas night we went to a night market in Chiang Rai. I bought some adorable Thai pants for myself and bought my dad two presents. :) He'll love them!

Sunday morning we went to a Thai church. The other team performed the Tears of the Saints skit and sang two songs. After church we ate lunch and hung out with the Thailand 1 team for a bit more. After that we headed back to Chiang Mai.

Monday we actually went to a village. We went to a very small church Monday evening and served a smaller group of children. We played games with them, sang some songs, and put on two skits for them.

Tuesday was such an amazing day. We went to a beautiful waterfall to start off the day with. We had the chance to venture around a bit there. After the waterfall we went to ride elephants. This was sooooo much fun. Carrie and I were on the same elephant. It was 21 years old and had a 3 year old baby that followed her around. This baby got my shirt dirty within the first minute of me sitting on its' momma. What a punk! We rode the elephants around...even through water. It was such a blast. Right after the elephant riding we went down a river on bamboo rafts. I was on a raft with Tony and Will. The water was super chilly....but still a blast. Jacqui, Emma, Synnove, and Jenifer had a crazy raft guide. He kept pretending that there was a crocodile in the riever next to me and was slapping the water right next to me...therefore soaking me throughout the entire journey down the river.

Wednesday morning we went to a school to put on a program from 10-12. We started off by singing some Christmas carols (of course). After the Christmas carols Max gave her testimony. Then we performed the Everything skit. After the skit Will and Laura gave their testimonies as well. We had the chance to play some games with them and simply just hang out. I had a great time there. There were a few kids I wanted to take home with me! The most precious boy there is named Bate. We were playing some games and he saw that I was really hot so he went and got me a hand fan to use. He had the cutest glasses on. Ahhhhh...could of hung out with that boy all day!!! Wednesday afternoon we headed back to Chiang Mai.

Thursday we prepared for our New Years Party and hung out. I went to a coffee shop with Tony and Will. It was refreshing having the chance to hang out with most of the boys. We had the chance to talk through some things going on with each of us.

Friday we had some team time with worship in the morning, got the food ready for the New Years party, and hung out. We headed over to The Centre around 730ish. We had one mad dance party at The Centre with just our team. I don't think I've laughed that hard since we've been in Thailand. Will and Tony had some crazy dance moves. Don't worry we all got footage of Tony breaking it down. SOOO hilarious! Ton and Mama came around 930ish to hang out with us. :) They brought us all beautiful postcards from Chiang Mai that said Happy New Year on the back from Ton and Mama. It was so precious. I got one with a panda bear on the front. When it was almost midnight we headed to the roof of The Centre. We counted down the New Year with our group while watching a bajillion fireworks go off along with hundreds of lanterns being set off. It was such an amazing and special sight. So blessed to be with the people I was with. So blessed with many different things it's unreal!!!!

This morning we got up and went to a waterfall an hour away. We literally climbed straight up the waterfall. The rocks weren't slippery at all and I just don't get it....I'm convinced God didn't make the rocks slippery so that we could enjoy it how we did today. Ahhhhh....it makes me miss Yellowstone. It is one of my fondest memories so far. Being in God's creation just gets me. I wish I could soak in His creation 24/7...boy oh boy I can't wait to do that in heaven!

Classes start back up on Monday...thanks so much for your support. Missing my family and friends like crazy, but I'm enjoying where God has me right now. He's speaking to me about stuff for the future so keep me in your prayers please! Love you guys!!!